Weaving

It has been years since I have thought about this blog. I have no idea what made me think about it tonight. Well, that's not entirely true, I know what brought me back here. I have long given up believing in coincidences and randomness. I have way too much experience to believe that we are not given or reminded of exactly what we need when we need it. I needed to be reminded of my story. Where I have been, the work I have done.

I have the most incredible job. It is my privilege to open up a space for stories to be told, to help others find their voice, to help them creative a coherent narrative of where they have been and the experiences they have had. I have the honor of witnessing creation. Creation most often coming out of chaos. Chaos that eventually weaves its self into a story that has a beginning, a middle and an end. And in that end a new beginning.

Stories have power. Stories captivate us, renew us, they teach us where we have been and offer a map for where we can go. Stories distract us, they ease pain. When we feel like we cannot bear the world around us any longer we can escape into a different world. If we are in pain we can find laughter, if we are grieving we can find comfort, if we are overwhelmed we can find solace even for just a little while.

Stories connect us to those who have come before us, they connect us to those around us and the connect us to those who will come after us.

Stories can build us up and tear us to shreds.

We all create stories. Our brains are hard wired to look for patterns to make sense of the world and in those patterns stories emerge. We create stories about our worthiness, our lovability, our cleverness, our stupidity, and our love. We create stories about those we see around us, their worthiness, their lovability, their cleverness, their stupidity and their love. When we don't have all of the information, especially if it is about something scary, we still create a story and often that story is a million times more scary than the actual truth.

We repeat those stories to ourselves so frequently that we forget that they are just that. They are stories and stories can change. However, because we are human and our brains strive for routine and predictability, our brains resist tooth and nail and neuron to hold on to those old stories. We look for any confirmation, real or imagined, to confirm those stories.

If those stories are helpful, if they prove that we are lovable and talented and worthy and seen and valued that's awesome! But because we have a brain stem whose sole focus is to keep us alive, often times those are not the stories that stick with us. In an evolutionary sense, those positive experiences don't keep us alive! Being vigilant against threats is what keeps us from being eaten by wolves or poisoned by sketchy tofu burgers. It's the reason that we can receive 15 glowing statements and one critical statement and what sticks with us is the critical statement.

Our core selves, deep down at the very center of our being we are all born knowing that we are lovable, talented, worthy, seen and valued. The trick is keeping those stories in the midst of all of the negative ones being written as we experience the world. "I'm not good enough." "I'm never going to be able to get my act together." "I'm not important." "I am invisible." "I don't/can't/won't ever make a difference."

The hardest job we have as humans is to find that fine golden thread that runs from the core of our being, the thread that holds the truth of the matter and weave it through all of the bullshit that clouds our bodies.

One of the most powerful stories I can't seem to rewrite is the story of my invisibility and unworthyness. Because this is such a powerful story, at times, I got to extreme lengths to prove it because, even though it feels awful and icky and gross, it's easier than risking failure in something that I desperately want to succeed in (most often relationships). This is where my work is. I desperately want to be seen and loved that often I panic when that wonderful story is told and work to sabotage it (and don't get me wrong I have amazing, wonderful, kind and loving people in my life who do see me and do love me, even when I don't want them to).

Every day, hundreds of times a day, I have to remind myself that, contrary to the part that nagging voice in my head wants me to play, I am weaving a new story. A story that doesn't discount or down play where I have been  but re-weaves those negative messages to look at the whole story not just the part I need to confirm my unworthyness.

We don't need to give up our stories, they are our history, they are our heritage, they connect us, they sustain us and they see us through dark times. What we do need to give up is the instinct to only look for the stories that prove we are not worthy.

We get to choose how we tell our story, maybe the story has a neutral tone, maybe we paint ourselves at the hero or the victim. Don't get me wrong, there are stories where we are genuinely neutral or genuinely the hero or genuinely the victim. Our job is to look for a theme in our stories, especially if we always find ourselves staring in a role that paints us in a negative light. If we change the stories we tell we will change the energy we feel.

I work with the most incredible children who teach me far more than I will ever teach them. They have taught me that I cannot only hold space for their stories to unfold and re-weave, I have to find people who can do that for me as well. I owe it to them to not discredit my own experience by leaving my own stories unchallenged because how can I ask them to do something that I am not willing to do myself.