When I started therapy last September, I was scared and a bit skeptical.
I was skeptical because I've done therapy before and it always seemed like such a band-aid fix (which is ironic seeing as I just graduated with my MSW and I am starting a job as a therapist on Monday). It never really dawned on me until truly this second, but the other times I sought out help was not on my terms but always on the urging of others and the therapists were always chosen by others.
I was scared because I never really felt challenged and that the change created was not authentic and lasting.
This time was different, totally different. Firstly, it was my idea (well, mostly). Secondly, I got to choose (well, kind of). Last May after a few conversations with my acupuncturist I put it out there to the Universe, help me find a therapist who "gets it." Another case of be careful what you ask for.
The Universe is not always the most subtle when communicating with me (and I'm not always the most perceptive either), but this was gentle, a whisper. So gentle that I could have pretended not to notice it (at least until it got less gentle and much louder).
Two weeks after I put it out there, we had a guest speaker in class, six weeks after that I meet with her to hear more about her work, and about a month after that we started our sessions together.
Two weeks after I put it out there, we had a guest speaker in class, six weeks after that I meet with her to hear more about her work, and about a month after that we started our sessions together.
Many, many hours and many journal pages and a few pens were dedicated to my fear of not being able to create change that is lasting or authentic, that I'm wasting my time or worse, her time. I had a hard time drawing a connection between the work I would be doing in therapy and the work I had been doing all along with my acupuncturist.
Three years ago, I wanted to start seeing an acupuncturist again. I had had success previously with acupuncture to treat my depression and ADHD and with a failed shoulder surgery under my belt I thought it would be a good time to start. My only requirement when I called was I wanted a female practitioner. (Again, not wanting to start things one at a time, with in one month of each other I started: acupuncture, a new job and graduate school).
I've learned that when I don't put a lot of restrictions or requirements on what I want, I get exactly what I need. I was paired with a healer who is gifted in healing, blatantly honest, willing to share, and deeply caring. Someone who took me under her wing and loves me unconditionally.
We've worked on many levels, creating change so subtle that it is massive. The way we have worked together has not always (rarely) been comfortable, but I always felt safe. I didn't got into the relationship expecting change, I went in wanting to be fixed. Thankfully, she didn't see it that way. Instead of fixing me, she taught me and challenged my perceptions, helping me live my way into change.
When I asked for help finding a therapist who "gets it," that was part of it. The biggest difference, I wanted change. I didn't go into it hoping to be fixed, working with my acupuncturist taught me I wasn't broken.
I'm a big believer in the Universe. She is so much bigger to me than God could ever be. The Universe may open the doors, but it is up to me to walk through, to do the work. When I started this journey I never could have imagined being where I am standing right now.
I have been blessed with so many people who have shown up to teach, support, guide and love me. People to share stories with, to cry with, to laugh until it hurts with. People who help me challenge my perceptions of me, people who have helped me redefine what love is, helping broaden the definition. All of the people are a reflection of me and my belief (though sometimes wavering) that I get to have this.
This journey is about integrating the pieces that were left behind. Finding them, loving them and bringing them with me.
I've learned that when I don't put a lot of restrictions or requirements on what I want, I get exactly what I need. I was paired with a healer who is gifted in healing, blatantly honest, willing to share, and deeply caring. Someone who took me under her wing and loves me unconditionally.
We've worked on many levels, creating change so subtle that it is massive. The way we have worked together has not always (rarely) been comfortable, but I always felt safe. I didn't got into the relationship expecting change, I went in wanting to be fixed. Thankfully, she didn't see it that way. Instead of fixing me, she taught me and challenged my perceptions, helping me live my way into change.
When I asked for help finding a therapist who "gets it," that was part of it. The biggest difference, I wanted change. I didn't go into it hoping to be fixed, working with my acupuncturist taught me I wasn't broken.
I'm a big believer in the Universe. She is so much bigger to me than God could ever be. The Universe may open the doors, but it is up to me to walk through, to do the work. When I started this journey I never could have imagined being where I am standing right now.
I have been blessed with so many people who have shown up to teach, support, guide and love me. People to share stories with, to cry with, to laugh until it hurts with. People who help me challenge my perceptions of me, people who have helped me redefine what love is, helping broaden the definition. All of the people are a reflection of me and my belief (though sometimes wavering) that I get to have this.
This journey is about integrating the pieces that were left behind. Finding them, loving them and bringing them with me.
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